Have you ever seen someone be given an opportunity because of who they know? We even have a saying for this – “It’s all about who you know.” Last week we introduced this concept called The Wisdom Table. Today we’re going to learn how to build our own wisdom table. And when it comes to your wisdom table, it is about who you know, but it might be even more about who knows you.

Who knows what your dreams are? Who knows the calling you feel God has placed on your life? Who knows your financial vision and is speaking into that? Who knows your character weaknesses? Who is there to call out your strengths, while also helping you pay attention to the shadow side of those strengths? Who’s helping you in this season of your faith journey? Why does your wisdom table matter so much? Because without wisdom, we live by default. And have you seen the default mode for human beings like us?

Psalm 90:12 Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Yes, we want God to teach us how to do this. And God wants to give us people who can show us the path of wisdom.

Ephesians 5:15-17 Be very careful, then, how you live – not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.

If you aren’t very careful, you will live an unwise life.

Wise people make the most of every opportunity. No one becomes a wise person on their own.

We need the right people seated at our wisdom tables. As you think about creating your own wisdom table, I want to give you some possible categories for you to consider. Here’s the first one:

Categories to Cover for Your Wisdom Table:

Spiritual Life

Relationships

Friendships

Parenting

Vocation

Finances

Unique Projects

Now you have some categories to think through as you’re building your wisdom table. But here’s a question to consider?

How long should someone be given a seat at your wisdom table?

It really depends and I’ll cover that in a moment, but it’s important to know this truth:

Do not give ANYONE a lifetime appointment to your wisdom table.

There will come a time when you need to disinvite someone from your wisdom table. To disinvite someone means to cancel or withdraw their invitation. Don’t worry; in most cases, you won’t have to tell them they’re no longer invited. You just quit asking their advice or if they insist on continuing to give you their “wisdom,” you ignore it.

Who is currently sitting at your wisdom table that should no longer have a seat?

Those whose fruit has disappeared.

Let’s assume there was a time in your life when you built the ideal wisdom table. You put people there who viewed God as the ultimate source of all wisdom. You could see the fruit of their wisdom and you knew they wanted what was best for you. They gave you so much great advice about faith or relationships or vocation or money. Be grateful for every ounce of wisdom they gave you, but do not give them a lifetime appointment at your wisdom table. Continue to pay attention to the life they are currently living, not simply how they used to live.

To illustrate this point, let’s think about Solomon. He’s known for being the wisest person to have ever lived. Let that sink in – the wisest person to have ever lived! If you were building your wisdom table back then and you had access to Solomon’s wisdom, you would have made him your first draft pick. Listen to what God said about Solomon:

1 Kings 3:12 “I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be.”

Who wouldn’t want this guy sitting at their wisdom table? And yet, there came a day when Solomon stopped leaning into the wisdom God had made available to him. He began to love many foreign women, even though this was against what God had told the Israelites to do. The end result of this decision was tragic.

1 Kings 11:4 As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the LORD his God, as the heart of David his father had been.

Here’s a serious question: If Solomon had been at your wisdom table, would you have been willing to dismiss him after this moment? I pray you’ll have people at your table who will go the distance when it comes to being men and women who are full of wisdom. But if the day comes when they no longer fit the criteria, be brave enough to dismiss them from your wisdom table…because your future depends on it. So we disinvite those who no longer live out of the wisdom they once did. But there’s another group who can’t stay at our wisdom table and this one’s a little bit more challenging:

Those whose wisdom you have outgrown.

There’s a realization that will take place as you continue to grow, and it will cause a bit of conflict in your soul. Here’s how it usually happens for us. We start building our wisdom table and we get people there who are so helpful to us – for the season of life we are in. The inner turmoil comes when we step into a new season and recognize that we have outgrown the wisdom they are able to give. What do we do? We thank God and them for the wisdom we received when we needed it, but we don’t keep them at our table. If we’ve outgrown their wisdom, we now need new people occupying the seat they used to have in our lives.

Seasons come and go. Most people will be needed at your wisdom table only for a season. You do not need to feel guilty about this, but there is something you can do. If the day comes when you have outgrown the wisdom of someone who has been a vital part of your advisory team, go above and beyond to express thanks to them. You can write a card or a letter. You can make a phone call. You can give a unique gift that will express how beneficial they have been to your life. It’s okay to move on and welcome new people in their place, but not before you adequately recognize all the good they have brought into your life.

Those you let sit at your wisdom table only because they are family.

Many of us have given automatic seats at our wisdom table to people in our family. If you have a good reason to put a family member at your wisdom table, celebrate this blessing. However, this will not be the case for all of us. How can you objectively know whether or not a family member should occupy a seat at your wisdom table? I use the word “objectively” because there are so many thoughts and emotions tied to anything involving our family of origin. Let me encourage you to use the same filter we’re using for anyone else we’re considering giving a seat to at our wisdom table.

While family can refer to anyone you’re related to, the most challenging people you may ever have to dismiss from your wisdom table will be your parents.  On the one hand, you know you are meant to love, honor, and respect them. On the other hand, what do you do when you realize that following the pattern of your parents’ lives will actually lead you away from the vision God has for your life? If your parents’ marriage isn’t one you want to emulate, it’s probably not best to gain relational wisdom from them. If you see a lack of integrity in how your father runs his business, I’m not sure you want his advice on how to carry out your work. If you see a pattern of self-absorption in your mother’s life, she probably isn’t the person to help you become more selfless in your own life.

When you no longer think your mother or father needs to have a seat at your wisdom table, how do you move forward? You keep loving them. You keep investing in the relationship. You pray for them. You make time to call them and visit them, unless it would be toxic to do so. Maybe find one area you can ask them about like cooking or cars or vacation destinations – but don’t give them a seat at your wisdom table.

While who you’re seeking matters, it matters just as much how you seek to build your table. Here are some things to keep in mind.

Don’t ask for too much…in the beginning.

Do not ask for someone to be your mentor or come and sit at your wisdom table. Just ask for an initial meeting. I encourage you to do this for a couple of reasons. For starters, someone is way more likely to agree to meet with you once than sign on for an indefinite amount of time. Also, it gives the two of you the chance to get to know each other without putting pressure on either of you for a greater commitment.

Always go in prepared for this first meeting. Let them know what you’d like to talk to them about. I’d even encourage you to send questions ahead of time. I personally don’t think it’s helpful to use your phone to take notes during these meetings. Bring a pen and a journal or notebook. Be respectful of their time. Offer to pay for their meal or coffee. If the meeting goes well, it’s more than okay to ask for subsequent meetings. You could say something like this: I want to be a person who lives out God’s purpose for my life. I know it’s going to take a lot of wisdom to be able to do that and I believe you could really help me. Would you be willing to meet with me like this every month or so?

If they are willing to, celebrate this. And if they want to help but can’t meet as frequently as monthly, that’s okay. Ask them if you can do every other month or even if you can reach out to them when you need some specific wisdom.

Give them the upper hand.

Be willing to accommodate their schedule, even if you have to give up some of your own ideal schedule. Be willing to meet in their neighborhood or near their workplace. This does not mean the individual is more valuable than you; it’s just that you believe there wisdom is worth doing whatever it takes to get it.

Give them your undivided attention.

When you are meeting with them, it should be as though nothing else in the world is happening. You aren’t trying to check your phone. You aren’t focused on other people in the room. You aren’t thinking of the next question you’re going to ask them. You aren’t trying to impress them with how much you know. In fact, the less talking you do, the wiser you’ll become during these interactions.

Don’t hold back.

If you have the right advisers at your wisdom table, they are going to be willing to tell you the truth. I want you to see this as their gift to you. Here’s a temptation we’ll all face – when things aren’t going well in some area, you’ll be tempted to withhold this important information. Tell them the truth anyway! No one expects you to be perfect, but everyone at your wisdom table will expect you to be honest. If they care about you, they will be both firm and loving. I bet they might even be willing to share some of their own past mistakes and what they learned from those experiences.

A few questions:

-Is Jesus sitting at the head of your wisdom table?

- What are the categories you need covered at your wisdom table?

-Who are the people you can think of that you should pursue?

-If you need to fill the seats at your wisdom table, ask God for this.