Minnie I’ve been on this journey for several years, and although I’ve not reached the finish line, I’m excited to share with you what God has been doing, and I firmly believe that God will move in this place, and in our hearts.

Let me start by presenting two very well known bible verses.  These two verses, although very popular, had not been my favorite. As a matter of fact, it brought me more questions than convictions.  The first one is in Psalm 139:14, where it says: I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Many teachers use this verse to remind all of us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. However, I didn’t feel that way.  I mean, isn’t this about David after all?  He was the king of Israel; great warrior; a man after God’s heart; he also wrote great poetry and even played the harp so well that it chased evil spirits!  But me? I’m not so sure. The second one is in Romans 8:1 - Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…  If you read Ch 7, this verse actually comes in as the punchline, and it’s supposed to be convincing. Well, many people seem to be convinced.  But for me, while reading it and even saying it out loud desperately wanting to believe in this, I had this nagging feeling…I still feel condemned. Does anyone else feel that way? When you read these verses, do you believe that these are true for you?‍

Ben: [Hmm, interesting question - as Christians, we all want to/should say “yes,” but I know many of us at times wonder. So Minnie, since you are talking this in past tense, I presume you feel differently about it now?  How did that journey start out for you?]‍

Minnie: Yes, I do feel differently about it now. The interesting thing is that until around 2016, my shame awareness was very low - I may have had many thoughts and behaviors of shame all my adult life, but I definitely didn’t associate them with shame. I think I was busy living my life doing my best to keep up an image - from the outside, one would look at me and think I’m well-schooled, successful, confident, physically fit, etc… and really as long as I appeared that way, I think I thought I was doing well (outward appearance = inner well-being).  ‍

Ben: What happened in 2016?  ‍

Minnie: Well...around then, I decided to see a Christian counselor, because I was struggling a lot, and I couldn’t even pinpoint why - I didn’t feel like the confident, happy Minnie anymore; and what I thought I felt pretty good at, I was freezing up and fumbling - prime example, public speaking.  I was constantly struggling to appear confident, smart, happy, etc to cover it up… I remember so vividly during my first session with the counselor - she asked me, “who are you? Who is Minnie?”  I opened my mouth ready to say who I was, but I didn’t have a single word coming out of my mouth. I didn’t have an answer.  And I felt this overwhelming shame over me because I didn’t even know how to say who I was.  She brought up the subject of shame and I started doing a deep dive.

‍Ben: For those of us who are starting to explore this subject of shame, what does “doing a deep dive look like?”

‍Minnie: You know how Jesus says a good tree bears good fruit, and bad tree bears bad fruit?  I had to first look at my fruit; what’s showing up; I would call them symptoms of shame.  I started there - what were some of the main things I was doing that actually was a result of shame?  

                                     i.       Isolation/hiding, under the façade of “independence”:  I show up in public only when I’m feeling well and doing well. Otherwise, I disappear/wait until I’m better.

                                    ii.       Not asking for help, not receiving help: related to being independent, but deep inside, I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone, or inconvenience anyone - i didn’t think I deserved help from others.

                                   iii.       Perfectionism was controlling my life. Showed in my work, relationships, my appearance...it was very important for me to look the best, be the best, the most needed, the most productive etc…I was highly critical of myself and others (inside); in public, I was silencing myself so much because I needed to sound perfect before I spoke -  I think I was making myself physically sick from it.

                                  iv.       Poor stewardship: I had to look impeccable, wear nice things, and have everything…. All the money i could have saved and used it on more important things!

                                    v.       Overall, I had to take every good thing into extreme. Why??

And for every fruit, there are inputs, right?  For every symptom, I really had to dig into its source. I’ll start with some inputs that were easily identifiable - (maybe some of this will resonate with you).

○    Growing up, some frequently heard comments:

                                     i.       “you’re big for a Korean girl” “you really shouldn’t gain more weight”; “you would be a lot prettier if youhad double eyelids.”

                                    ii.       Cultural influence:

1.   “you’re just a girl...what do you know?”

2.   “you’re too ambitious for a girl, you shouldn’t outdo your brothers”

3.   “where did you learn to think that way? We never taught you that, don’t embarrass us.”

4.   “If you don’t do what we tell you, we will disown you.”

2. As the work     got deeper, things got a little heavier..

○    The shame of being a disobedient/bad daughter: I believed this about myself for a long time because that is what the tradition of shame culture taught me. My constant effort to mend the broken relationship with my family, up and down, up and down, a roller coaster ride...and it’s ongoing.

○    Singleness: “why/how are you still single?” “Don’t you wanna get married?” - worst in my late 30’s - early 40’s (I was saying to others “I’m fine,” but...); had to grieve and surrender becoming a mom one day.

○    The past 7-8 years - Various health problems, one after another… and the worst is, as a Christian, I was not getting healed, while the friends I would pray for got healed (?!). Had to make many life adjustments accordingly. Made me question my faith/God’s love for me, and want to hide and stay in isolation forever as the loneliness from being ill for a long time got deeper.

○    Most recently, God took me to the very very root of all of this… The shame of being born.  In my childhood, I was told that I was almost aborted because I wasn’t planned - of course it meant no harm, more to remind me that I should appreciate my life, and on good days, my family appreciated that I was born too. However, as a child, that must have stuck with me and took residence in the deepest place in my heart.  In a way, this explains everything - in order to prove that my birth was justified, I had to excel at everything, so that I’d be liked. All of my efforts, the symptoms I mentioned earlier… were to cover my deepest shame of being born.  It was the hardest discovery, but the most FREEING. ‍

Ben: Wow.. as you’re processing all this, besides you working with your counselor, were you going through this alone? ‍

Minnie:  I tried that, since that would have been my preferred mode - “hiding,” but, I couldn’t, because you wouldn’t let me!

All jokes aside, although, really...Pastor Ben and Lindsey “came for me” - This was Fall of 2013, I was attending Epic, serving, like most of you here - I “disappeared” once…Lindsey Lee and Ben P came after me (no one has before until then) - this was a catalyst event, where I started learning how to do life in community. “Wow, I must belong here.  I must matter to them.”

Over the past 9+ years of my life with Epic community, I have so many other stories and examples of this, and I’m sure many of you have experienced this, and if you haven’t yet, you will.  The overarching truth here is that God uses his people to reverse our past (bad) beliefs and plant new (good) ones.  This community showed me that:

1.   Someone WILL come for you.

2.   I’m not shamed when I fail; I actually am encouraged and built back up.

3.   What’s shameful to me (sickness, singleness) can be used to encourage others that are going through similar challenges.‍

Ben: God definitely uses his people...he also works directly with/within us.  What has he been revealing to you throughout your journey?‍

Minnie: You know we say “God never stops working?” It’s so true… He has done so much...I want to highlight something he has revealed to me recently.  

In January, I had another big setback with my health and that made me want to quit my job, stop everything and hide.  I even had a serious (yet looking back, quite rational) conversation with Pastor Ben. I was definitely having a series of Shame Storms, as Pastor Will put it…I was like Job, when he cursed the day he was born. I must have said something like, “Lord, why wasn’t I just aborted?” - I know, terrible.  But hey, that’s where shame takes us.  BUT Jesus will refuse to let us stay there.  Immediately I heard Jesus say, “why do you act as if I never died for you on the cross?  Your shame died there too.” And the phrase “scorn its shame” came up in my head.  I was like “oh, where is that in the bible? Hebrews??”  Thanks to google, it was Hebrews 12:2. In my surprise and awe, I read the verse, very slowly.  Everyone, read this with me, let’s do some reading comprehension.  ‍

...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:2, NIV)‍

Why did Jesus endure the cross?  It says, for the JOY set before him.  Here’s what the Passion translation says:  Because his heart was focused on the joy of knowing that YOU would be his, he endured the agony of the cross and conquered its humiliation, and now sits exalted at the right hand of the throne of God! ‍

What was the joy set before him? That is YOU. It’s ME.  When I read that, I saw a visual of Jesus, on the cross, and in front of him, I was there.  And I saw him smile at me while he’s on the cross.  My humiliation was conquered, when he bore the shame of the cross for me. If I know that Jesus truly died on the cross for me, for you, for all of us, oh my goodness, I have to know also that all of my shame, all of the sadness, all of this weight from it...died as well, and I had ACCESS to that truth.  I was his JOY.  I’m not a mistake, I’m not someone’s questionable birth, I’m his JOY.  And so are you - if you ever wondered why you were born, no matter how you were conceived and born on this earth, this is where we go, friends.

Finally - it became true to me, this is why there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus! When I sit before the cross every day, the reappearing feeling of shame is going to get shattered. When I see his face, all the other mean and hurtful faces lose their power over me.‍

Ben: You titled your talk “The God who re-parents me.”  What did it look like/what does it mean for God to re-parent you?‍

Minnie: I say God re-parents us because, really, God is the perfect parent, and his truth is replacing the old narratives in my head, and it’s changing me.

○    Where I used to be told that I’m just a girl, so I should stay quiet - God says I’m a leader, and he invites me to “speak” (like I’m doing now!)

○    Where I used to be told there’s something wrong with my thinking, or that I’m slow/stupid - Paul says that we have the mind of Christ!

I am able to live in God’s freedom...not perfectly, but more and more every day. I mentioned some of the symptoms of my shame earlier… well, I am seeing that i have some new “symptoms” of being reparented/shame-free(er), and they can be the simplest things:

○    When I’m asked “do you need anything?” I start saying “um...I would love some soup!”

○    Acceptance:  When I’m not feeling well physically and I can’t be “productive”, I just say it like it is and do what I can do for that day, instead of going down the shame spiral.

○    As I become less critical of myself, I am less critical of others… I can see people with more compassion...understanding and forgiveness leading to more freedom.

Ben: Minnie, this message has spoken to so many of us. Anything else you want to share with us about this?‍

Minnie:  We started this talk with Psalm 139:14:

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well (Psalm 139:14).

○    Shame keeps us self-absorbed -before, I was thinking about me, but if I read this carefully, I’m the one being made, so there is a maker. This is not about me, or you, but it’s about God. If you read 13-16, David here is really gushing about how great God is, adoring him (and not being a narcissist). We talk a lot about loving ourselves...and you know what I am learning? When we adore our maker, we can adore who we are.  It’s never the other way around.  

○    This and Romans 8:1: I pray that these verses will come alive in your heart today, tomorrow, or in God’s perfect timing.  

“Lord, you are the perfect parent, and we thank you that you desire so deeply to father us.

You made yourself available to us through the cross.. help us know that we can go to you at all times and any time.  Lord, we need to hear from you...Let your truth move the shame out of us, so that we can live in your freedom.  I would like to invite all of you to go to the Father, sit yourself before the cross and see the way Jesus looks at you...and maybe you want to even ask right now, Lord, is there something you want to tell me, that I’ve never heard before? I want to be re-parented by you. Lord, speak, your servant is listening… Lord, we are before you, we love you, and we receive your joy over us.  In Jesus’s name we pray.”